Bumps in the Road

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"
- Rodney Atkins

The last two days have not been good ones. I could feel myself getting a bit overwhelmed with the anticipation of my appointment with my oncologist yesterday and what his words would mean in regards to my health. We were going to go over the results of the cat scan I had last Thursday. It was the halfway point in my original treatment plan and would be compared to the cat scan before I began treatment. It's crazy to me how you can have such extreme reactions to one statement. My cancerous area has shrunk by 80%.....80%!!!! Yes! It's working! That's great! But 80% also means no change in plans as far as number of chemo treatments I have to endure and at this point I will also be doing radiation for three weeks. After my 8th chemo treatment I will have a two week break then begin three straight weeks of radiation - five days a week, 5 minutes each time. I needed a calendar because I had a bad feeling about this timeframe. I was right. On that schedule I will be receiving my third week of radiation the week of Graeagle. For those of you that know me well Graeagle is my happy place. I will go so far as to say it's my favorite place on earth. My family has been making the trip to the cabins tucked in the northern Sierra mountains for 30+ years. I can't miss Graeagle. I am TRYING not to get bogged down by that thought but it's hard. That was supposed to be my finish line. My reward for this crap I'm pushing through. And I suppose it still can be if I can convince the doctors I only need a one week break between chemo and radiation. We'll see if that's even a possibility when I meet with the radiation oncologist. Maybe the fact that I had booked my tickets before I even knew I had cancer will help in the decision!

So, needless to say, yesterdays treatment was a bit of a bummer. I didn't want to be there. At all. Amidst my self pity there were a couple bright spots. For the first time since I started treatment Shirley was able to access my port on the very first try! Big props to Shirley! My chest was still bruised from accessing it last week for my cat scan so I was very happy it only took one jab. Shirley also shared with me that she had spoken with Dr. K2's nurse practitioner and she gave raving reviews of me as a patient. I think Shirley knew I needed to hear something like that. I did. It helped.

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but since this blog is an outlet for me I thought I should be honest and share the not so pretty stuff too. So there it is.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

A couple weeks ago I was at the Apple store perusing the accessories wall. My head was freshly shaved and I was wearing a hat. Up walks an employee - a young Asian girl who was small in stature and a bit punked out with her funky jewelry and three different colors of hair. I observed all of those things and I'm not sure what I expected but it wasn't the conversation we had. She was direct and she was sincere. "Did you walk the cancer walk?". "No, not this year but I have before.". "Oh. I noticed you don't have hair.". " Yeah, I'm actually being treated for cancer and just shaved it.". "Well, you are rocking that hat. I just thought you should know.". After helping me complete my purchase she held up her hand for a high five and I obliged. "I hope you kick that cancer!". She was the first stranger who acknowledged my lack of hair. I appreciated her openness.

Two days ago I took my laptop in to have my pictures recovered. I was wearing a bandanna. He was wearing a Geek Squad badge. I was intimidated but leery because he also had reddish/purple hair and holes in his ears that I could see through. After explaining my computer issue he said, "If you don't mind me asking, how is treatment going?". It caught me a bit off guard but I didn't mind him asking and I told him that. He asked more questions. How long, what kind, how do I feel. "I hope your cat scan comes back cancer free!". He had other customers lining up behind me but showed a genuine interest in my story. Again, I appreciated that.

The moral of the story is don't judge a book by its cover. These two 'punks' are the only strangers that have left me with words of encouragement and hope and they did it in a respectful and honest way. They asked. They listened. They cared.

G.I. Jen

Well, the time finally came. On Sunday May 1st, exactly 2 months after my diagnosis, I decided it was time for my hair to go. I lasted longer than most people with this chemo cocktail and according to my oncologist and nurse it's because I have never dyed my hair and don't use a hair dryer. So being boring and lazy in the mornings bought me a little extra time with my hair. I used to joke about my hair bugging me and threatening to shave it off. That's a funny joke until it's not really a choice anymore. Well, it was still a choice but I chose to end finding crazy amounts of hair on my pillows, in my shower and on my desk. I could have maintained a killer rug like The Donald but that's just wrong. I never realized how emotional the decision to shave my head would be but it was. When it comes down to it the part that bugged me most was 'people would know'. They would know something was wrong with me. I didn't like that thought but I worked through the final steps all day Sunday and by the evening I was ready to do it. My roommate, Gabi, did it for me. After a brief moment of us both realizing what we were actually doing and why, we swallowed back a few tears and went for it. And had fun with it. We left a mohawk and Monday morning she colored it orange (go Beavs!) and I headed off to work in hopes of receiving my pink slip! My friend (and boss) Theresa had a great reaction but said 'No way!' to firing me. Dang (just kidding). I sported the 'hawk to our CPA's office and out to lunch then covered it up when I went to treatment. I didn't want to minimize the way some people feel about losing their hair nor make a scene so I wore a bandana. When I got home I did my best G.I. Jane and shaved my head clean. It was kind of liberating and powerful. Today I went back to the cancer center for a shot and I went in as G.I. Jen. I figured that was the safest place for my first time and I was right. No one cared. I was feeling so good about it that I stopped at Target on my way home. Sure I got a few looks but nothing I can't handle. G.I. Jen is in full force!


The Donald.


The drunk Donald.


Getting down to business.


Gabi made me wear a garbage bag. She's a professional :)


My hair has some crazy natural wave/curls.


The mushroom top.


The 'Hawk.


Seek happiness.


Being a punk rocker takes alot of time and effort!


G.I. Jen. Camo and all.

The Third Time is NOT a Charm

Seriously. This chemo treatment kicked my butt, took my name and then kept on kicking. I experienced more hot flashes, finger tingling, nasty taste in my mouth moments than the other two treatments combined and the best part was at any given second over the past 3-4 days I felt like I could hurl. You know it's bad when you're planning an escape route or trying to determine who would be the least offended if you threw up on them (thankfully the lady in front of me at Walgreens doesn't even know she drew the short stick!).

Monday's post was the peak of my positive thoughts for the week. I am thankful I have both arms. I am not thankful for nausea and fluid in my ears. I told my Dad it's like having a horrible hangover (ssshhh...I know it's shocking I know what that feels like!) and I didn't even get the party beforehand. And the fluid in my ears? Best described as walking around with my head in a fishbowl, sloshing around with every move.

I met with Dr. K2 before my treatment so we could discuss my labs and ears. After the last treatment we had opted to skip the Neulasta shot because my white blood cell count was good. This time my white blood cell count was down (not to a dangerous level, just down) so I received the shot on Tuesday. Dr. K2 feels that because my white blood cell count was down it could have been a contributing factor to my ear pain. I do not have an infection but it's possible my body wasn't able to "fight off" the fluid like it would under ideal circumstances. Before I received my chemo I had an i.v. of antibiotics and am currently on a 7 day dose of horse pills to help with my ears. I am not experiencing pain, which I'm happy for, it's more of an annoyance - like I went deep sea diving and came up with half of the ocean in my ears. I am learning to ignore it. I am also happy to report that my nurse, Shirley, was back for this treatment and was able to access my port on the first jab! Success! Now I know why people want them. I was not convinced prior to this treatment.

I laid low all day Tuesday and most of Wednesday. By Wednesday afternoon I was feeling like I needed to move. A walk seemed like a good idea. It was 90+ degrees outside so I opted to drive up the street to the mall so I could walk in the air conditioning. If you see me on the news on one of those grainy surveillance camera videos, just ignore it. I'm pretty sure I raised all possible red flags for the mall security in a matter of minutes. I walked into Macy's and proceeded to experience a killer hot flash. One that left my hair soaked and me looking around anxiously, hoping no one else saw what was happening. After the internal furnace eased up I made it past the jewelry section and into the main mall. I walked down three stores, did a 180 and headed back into Macy's. I needed to get the heck out of there. I felt the nausea wave hitting and I wanted out. One problem. I forgot which door I came in. The hot flash caused memory loss. I wandered around Macy's for way too long and finally remembered where I came in. In and out of the mall in 20 minutes max. It's safe to say I won't be going for a "walk" there anytime soon.

Yesterday I managed to make it into the office for a few hours then came home and took an awesome nap. After my nap I headed over to my pulmonologist's office (Dr. K1). She was back from maternity leave this week and wanted to see me. Her receptionist, Susan, greeted me with a big hug. Dr. K1 also greeted me with a hug and got a little teary-eyed during our visit. I appreciated her concern and the conversation we had. She shared about her and Dr. S's conversations and how they were both shocked/sad with my diagnosis. And that Dr. S was texting her at 3 a.m. the day of my surgery! I told her I am extremely grateful for their care and I am completely aware that had they not followed their gut with each biopsy it's quite possible I'd be walking around right now not knowing cancer was brewing inside of me.

Today is what I like to call The Best Friday. It's not only Good Friday but it's also a day that the stock market is closed which means I don't have to work...The Best Friday! I'm taking it slow, catching up on my thank you notes and enjoying some of the best watermelon ever (thanks Gabi!).

Faith and Motivation

Over the last couple of days I have watched two movies that are based on true stories about the power of the human spirit and the will to overcome obstacles. They have helped me gain some perspective and tap into a source that is beyond powerful - the human mind. If you haven't already seen them, I highly recommend "Soul Surfer" and "127 Hours".

"Soul Surfer" is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, a surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack at the age of 13. She has an undeniable faith and love for God that she leans on heavily. She learned to surf again with one arm and is beyond amazing when it comes to physical strength. I loved the whole movie, not only for the inspiration, but for the sweet shots of Oahu and Kauai too! I like how she asks "Why me?" not in a pity-party way but more like a "Why me? What is God's plan and how is He going to use me?" kinda way. I relate to that. I don't have the answer but I'm trying to stay open minded (and to be honest that kinda scares me!).

"127 Hours" is the true story of Aron Ralston, a hiker from Colorado. Aron was trapped in a canyon with his arm pinned under a boulder for 127 hours - that's over 5 days! - before he cut off his own arm to free himself. Talk about the will to live! And not only live but thrive. Since recovering, Aron has resumed his aspiration of summiting all 59 Colorado peaks over 14,000 feet during the winter. My favorite quote from Aron is, "At this point, I've got the confidence to know that I'll get through anything in my life given I have the motivation to do it, ... If it's an act of survival, we've all got a reason to keep living. It may not be pretty, but surviving is grit and determination in its highest form. I learned that I've got the capacity to do a hell of a lot more than I thought I could if I have the proper motivation." Motivation is huge. I have motivation. I just need to remind myself every once in awhile.

I highly recommend both of these movies. Sit back, relax, put your "obstacles" in perspective and be thankful you have both arms!

Round 1 - Done!

I am 25% done with chemo. That's the first quarter. Two and a third innings. Round 1 - done!

My Dad flew down for this treatment and I loved having him with me. We spent the first couple of days watching March Madness and enjoying the sunshine and pool. I think the Arizona weather convinced him of possible future snowbird days, finally. His last trip was a bit traumatizing as the mercury reached 115 and he managed to smear sunscreen in his eyes (that deserves a blog post of its own!). He had sworn off the great state of Arizona but I think he may have flipped after this trip.

As I mentioned in a previous post there were problems accessing my port during my first treatment. Shirley (my first nurse) was not working the day of my second treatment so I knew to warn the next nurse of what was needed - the 1.5" needle and me in a reclined position. Check and check. Except it didn't work. I didn't go into another room this time so my Dad was sitting next to me the entire time she was trying to get the needle into the port. Although it doesn't feel good, I'm sure it looks way worse than it feels. I really can't feel the needle (they spray me with a numbing concoction) so the part that hurts me is the port moving around inside my chest. He got a little antsy after a few minutes of missed attempts but held it together. The nurse finally caved, took out the needle and called for backup. The second nurse re-cleaned, re-numbed and jabbed the needle in - success! There was no shame in her game and in cases like this it's actually what is needed. We spent the next couple of hours chatting, watching tv, cruising the internet and then we were done. Now that I know what is going to happen it's not as scary. I like that.

The side effects of this treatment were similar to the first in some ways and worse in others. I don't think I'll ever get used to the nausea but I was able to manage it a little better this time. I armed myself with saltines and watered down Gatorade and woke up earlier than usual to partake in that lovely feast before my feet hit the floor. This little ritual seemed to keep my stomach stable for the morning hours. The taste that is in my mouth for days after treatment is indescribable. I suppose I could try though - it tastes like what I would imagine the inside of a muffler on an old, crusty pickup truck would taste like after boggin' through a stale, fishy creek on a hot summer day. Mmmm, tasty. Sometimes I wake in the night and I find myself brushing my teeth with the lights off, trying not to become fully coherent, so I can pretend I'm not really tasting it and go right back to sleep. The side effect that seemed to be worse this time is the pain in my ears. Yeah, no one told me about that one. Last treatment I thought maybe it was just a weird coincidence that my ears hurt a couple days after chemo. Well, unfortunately, it happened again this time. I now know why babies and little kids pull on their ears and cry and cry and cry. That's what I wanted to do (and still do a little bit) the last couple of days. I guess I rolled the lucky number when it comes to fluid in my ears as a result of the chemo cocktail I receive. I am now putting drops in my ears to try and relieve the pressure and pain. It seems to be working but I'm hoping Dr. K2 and I can be a little more proactive for my next treatment. I am not a very happy person when my ears hurt.

The side effects can become a little much when I allow them to be but when I take a step back I am able to get a grip and realize it could be alot worse. I find that if I acknowledge that I'm not going to feel 100% for a few days every couple of weeks it's easier to accept and move on. So that's what I'm doing, moving on. I have a week and a half of feeling good and I plan on soaking up some time with friends, their kids and the sunshine.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

The Prayer Quilt

Late last week a package addressed to me was delivered to our doorstep. The box was large but light and had obviously seen better days. As I got ready to rip into it I inspected the return label but it gave no indication of the individual who had sent it. I wondered what it was and who it was from. I dug in. Inside was the biggest Ziploc bag I have ever seen with a card attached to the outside. I opened the card and read the words. I read powerful words. Loving words. Caring words. Words that left me speechless. The words were from the Mom of two of my friends. A Mom whom I have only met once or twice. A Mom who clearly loves her daughters and her daughters friends. I passed the card to Gabi as I opened up the Ziploc bag and proceeded to unwrap a beautiful quilt. I just stared at it. Gabi summed it up when she handed the card back and said, "That just gave me chills.". It's true, it did me too. The Prayer Quilt had a little handwritten note attached that says, "Jen, may this quilt be a reminder that you are wrapped in love and covered in prayer.". My eyes welled up but really the only thing I could do was smile and say, "Wow.". Thank you Becky, thank you for the Prayer Quilt, thank you for praying for me and thank you for reminding me that I am not alone and "He will not leave us nor forsake us.". Your generosity is beyond words.

I just want to say that in the midst of this trial I know that I am loved. I am loved by God, my family, my friends, acquaintances of those who know me and strangers who don't know me at all. That is an overwhelming thought (in a very, very good way).

“When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts.”