Cancer Whiplash

So sorry for the silence the last three months. In one sense it feels just like yesterday and in the next it feels like a life time since I posted last. First, and foremost, I would like to share that in the words of my oncologist, "Everything appears clear". I hung on every word during that appointment in October. I was so relieved to hear those words but I must admit they didn't release the fear and anxiety. After I completed radiation, my dry, annoying cough "re-appeared" and to be quite honest it scared the crap out of me. This is how it all began. July 2010. A cough. And you know the rest of the story. Turning over my anxieties and fears have been hard. It's hard for me not to fear the worst with every little cough. I realized that although I had come to the end of my treatment, I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do with myself, my time. I was so used to having a plan. A plan that included my active participation in appointments, labs, scans. It was best described to me as cancer whiplash. From the time of diagnosis through treatment you're in fight or flight mode. Going from one step to the next. Then it's over. And you wait. And you wait. And you learn to live again. I had pushed my emotions aside when I was in fight or flight mode and when the day to day stuff ended it came over me like a tidal wave. It's hard to share all of this but I am in the hopes that it will help someone else. I realized that I was emotionally and mentally slipping. I was supposed to be happy. To celebrate. Live like I don't have cancer. And I wanted to so bad but I didn't and it scared me. The past few months I have sought support in helping me deal with the emotions that come at the end of cancer treatment. In addition to my oncologist I am also under the care of a naturopath who specializes in cancer treatment and could quite honestly hold a masters in psychology. The first time I met with her I was a blubbering idiot. I couldn't sort my thoughts. I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew something was off. I wasn't sure what was going on. Was I losing my mind? Did the temporary menopause throw me out of whack? Was I crazy? She listened and we came up with a plan. I am reading some books, altering my diet, trying some remedies to bring me back to balance (after checking my labs we discovered my cortisol levels were totally out of whack, my fight or flight was depleted). At her urging I also went to the Arizona Wellness Community and have joined a support group with other cancer fighters/survivors. It's a great mix of ages, types/stages of cancers and personalities that help bring great perspective and balance to my personal healing process. I spend two hours every Tuesday with my new friends. We talk, we laugh, we cry. We have a facilitator who is a licensed psychologist who helps guide the conversation when needed but with the ecclectic group we have we rarely need that! We come to talk and that's just what we do. I feel normal with the group. I have learned that my thoughts are normal and I'm learning how to process them in a healthy way. It's working but I'm not quite there yet. I keep waiting for life to go back to how it was before the big c word but I am learning to accept that that will never be. I have a new reality. What does that mean? How will I cope with life now? Ah, the joys of life as a cancer fighter. Each day is better but there are definitely bumps in the road. Most recently, after several prescriptions for steroids, inhalers, cough suppressants I ended up in the ER on Sunday morning after talking with my oncologist (who happened to be the doc on call). He wanted another chest x-ray and ct scan as I felt like I was unable to get a full breath and my coughing attacks were getting more intense. Everything was as expected - my lungs have scar tissue that has built up because of one of the chemo drugs I was on and the radiation I received - and there was no acute concerns. Good news. Frustrating news. I am over having a cough. I followed up with my oncologist yesterday and my pulmonologist and naturopath today. I am so glad they're all on the same page, that is hard to find when mixing specialties and styles but I am blessed by what I would consider an all-star group! We're going back to the basics. I need to have patience and give my body time to heal. I have scar tissue. It may or may not be causing the increased cough. I'm off of all steroids and inhalers. We're going to try keeping it simple for awhile and I'm so glad. Phew, well, that was a quick synopsis of where I've been. Over the next few weeks I'll dive in to some specifics of the past few months. I have much to be thankful for! As it stands now I am cleared to have surgery to have my port removed and I anticipate that happening before the end of the year. That's a sure sign things are going well! Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for me and check in and I apologize to those of you that I've taken my sweet time getting back to. I have been in a bit of a funk but I'm shaking it off! :)