Graeagle or Bust

I received great news today - I will be able to make the annual trip to Graeagle! Yes! I really needed some good news. This last week has been rough both physically and mentally and although I was doing my best to remain optimistic, sometimes it's hard. I met with my radiation oncologist today and he was awesome. I knew I would like him when he walked in with an aloha shirt on and his opening statement was a joke. He was going to have me wait for a month after my last chemo treatment before beginning radiation anyway so we just bumped it back one more week. I will begin what he believes will be 4-5 weeks of radiation after I get back from Graeagle. I declared my love for him when he gave me the o.k. to go. He just laughed and tried to move on but I was serious! I have a PET scan and "simulation" (to get the measurements for radiation) on July 20th. Radiation will basically "seal the deal" on the cancer cells. The side effects will hopefully be minimal in comparison to the chemo - thank you Lord! Fatigue may play a part a couple weeks in and because of the close proximity to my esophagus a sore throat may also play a part but the doctor assured me liquid vicodin would help with that!

I am so grateful for this news. I really needed something to look forward to and Graeagle is the perfect destination. The monotony of appointments, bloodwork, trips to the pharmacy and paying doctor bills can be mentally exhausting and it's just made more dramatic when I'm physically worn down. Not a good combination for positivity. Thankfully these little "down times" only happen once in awhile and I try not to let it last longer than 48 hours. I learned the 48 hour rule in a book called, "Crazy, Sexy Cancer". The author is hilarious and she basically says you should give yourself permission to feel the "bad" feelings but don't sulk in them. Feel them, accept them, get out of your pajamas and move on! I totally buy into that theory. I'm out of my pajamas and moving on!

A Little Rant

Let me start this off by saying, "Guilty as charged". I'm not claiming that I say the right thing at the right time every time. I'm not saying in the future I'll always say the most heartfelt words at the perfect moment either. What I am saying is that when people do choose to share their stories with me now my words are more considerate and open. For the most part, people mean well. I know that. I've meant well when I've made cliche statements or said thoughtless things to fill an awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. Most of the time people aren't looking for some earth-shattering, etch it in stone quote. They just want to be heard. Cancer scares people. It scares people into saying some stupid things. I've compiled this little list of things that at some point since my diagnosis have been said to me. Not all are direct quotes but you'll get the idea. Oh, and I'm feeling pretty good today so there might be a little sarcasm in my responses (most of which I did not say outloud!). As you read these and you think, "Oh crap, I said that!", it's ok. If I like you I cut you a little slack :)

* "I think my aunt had that cancer and she died." Well, that's really encouraging. Thanks for the inspiration. Jerk.

* "Did you know that _________ (fill in the blank with anything from seaweed to purple cows) helps prevent cancer?" Um, in case you forgot I already have cancer. Thanks for making me feel good about it.

* "The third cousin of my co-workers exes psychiatrist had that cancer and they said it's wasn't that bad. You'll be fine." Sounds credible. Plus, don't make statements you can't guarantee.

* "Well, good thing you got the best kind of cancer." Right. I'm so glad I got the "good" cancer. It's about as good as getting the "good" seat on death row.

* "Aren't you supposed to lose weight when you have cancer?" Actually, no. Steroids, a messed up metabolism, limited foods that sound good and minimal exercise don't usually combine for weight loss.

* "I'm praying for/thinking about you." Are you really? Or are you just saying that because you feel like you should?

* "You should wear a wig/hat/makeup." Yeah, well you should get a face lift.

* "I understand." Unless you've gone through it, no, you don't.

* "Let me know if there's anything I can do." Don't say that. Do something. Actions speak louder than words.

Checking In

Treatment #6. It was a rough one almost immediately. I literally have a physical reaction walking in to the cancer center now and I think it's because my body knows what's coming. I try to think happy thoughts and distract myself but the smells, the tastes, the sounds give it away. I had a new nurse and she was great. All of the nurses are. Shirley had called me to let me know that because they were closed Monday it was going to be busy so be prepared to wait. I came prepared for 4-5 hours but I must have come between waves because we set a record of just under 3 hours. I was happy about that. Some of the usual characters were there in addition to some new ones. I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut when one group of ladies began talking loudly and tried 'one upping' each other with cancer and chemo stories. I hate that game in the first place let alone when I'm trying to maintain a good attitude. I turned my ipod up loud and zoned out to some Dixie Chicks.

My stomach was churning by the time I got in my car. Again, I think my body knows what's getting pumped into it. My mind definitely does. I wasn't sure if I'd make it home without hurling on the car next to me but I made it. Just in time to get in the shower. I'll spare you the details but let's just say it was probably best I was already in the shower.

One thing I have been doing is getting a massage the day after treatments. Physically it is healing for me and mentally it helps me visualize that crap killing what it's supposed to and then getting the heck out of my body. This treatment I also did Bikram yoga less than 48 hours after treatment. I was pretty much a lump on a log sweating my brains out but again, it's therapeutic for both my body and mind. I know what I need to do but sometimes it's hard to do it especially when I'm not feeling 100%. A special thanks to Gabi for being a great therapist, teacher and encourager.

I'll write more about my weekend visitors, a special gift I received and the minor bump in the road I had this week a little later. I want to end this post by asking everyone to pray for my friend, Teri, who is just beginning her battle with cancer. Teri is like another mom to me and I know she is scared and nervous for what lies ahead of her. I want to offer her courage and hope that this disease can be beat!