“That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which make our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness...We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.” - Albert Pike
I don't know when I'll be free of the darkness that cancer has brought into my life but I'm working really hard to lessen it's appearance. I guess I never really appreciated the emotional and psychological toll a diagnosis can take on a person until the label was tossed on my lap. Even then it wasn't until after treatment that the burden, guilt, anxiety, fear, sadness and confusion set in. It was best described to me as "cancer whiplash" (see previous post) and that's exactly how it feels. You get slammed with the diagnosis, work through treatment then seize up when it's over.
Up until last month I participated in a weekly support group at Arizona Wellness Community. For the better part of the last year it was the same close-knit group of people and I looked forward to spending Tuesday nights with them. We celebrated milestones and good reports, we wept over each others setbacks and heartaches. The group taught me to open up and share my emotions, whether I thought they were "right" or "wrong". Two of my closest friends stopped attending group a couple months ago. One had received consecutive clean scans and felt like she was ready to move on...triumph! The other experienced a decline in health and was too weak to attend...trial. I felt the joy of the triumph and the sorrow of the trial. I "graduated" myself from the group last month as I felt ready to move on. I didn't want to be surrounded by cancer talk anymore. Yet had it not been for cancer I would not have had the opportunity to form such strong bonds with this special group of people and for that I am grateful.
The most intense class I have participated in since my diagnosis was a 12 week Grief Recovery class. Talk about powerful. I participated in the class based on a recommendation from a friend in my Tuesday night group. When I originally signed up I went to the first class and found that I was the youngest one in the group by a good 20 years. It just didn't feel right. Sitting there crying about cancer when their loved one was dead. Because of cancer. I started at a new location and felt much more comfortable with the group. I was actually older than a couple of participants and cancer had a part in only one death. I was still the only one there for anything besides a death but I felt okay about that. The class was for anyone who had experienced loss...whether it be death, divorce, job, health, etc. We had weekly readings and assignments and discussions based on both. The readings and assignments stirred up all sorts of emotions and the discussions were deeper and more intense because of it. There's a sense of security in being comfortable enough to share but detached enough to not feel scared about judgement. The assignments forced me to share. Things I didn't even know I was holding onto. My negative thoughts lost their power when I said them out loud. I shared more with that group of people than I ever have. Triumph. The most important lesson may have come the last week for me...I froze up on week 12. I didn't go. The final assignment involved reading aloud a letter I had written to myself. I knew I needed to do it but I knew how hard it would be. And I backed out. Trial. I still intend on reading that letter aloud. I don't know when but I know I will experience great healing from it.
As each new day arrives I try to be grateful for where I am. I am healing. Physically and emotionally. I have learned so much about myself and other people. Things I know I would have missed out on had I not experienced this heartache. I will get to the gladness. I will experience more trials and more triumphs. I will get through the darkness and be in the light.
