Disconnecting to Re-Connect

Well, my day has arrived. I leave for Graeagle in just a few hours and I can't wait! I'll be taking a break from the electronic world so I can focus on quality time with my family and quiet time to myself. I will be sure to take tons of pictures to share when I get back. Graeagle, here I come!!!

Good News (The Details)

So Wednesday brought about two appointments. One for my PET scan and one for my radiation simulation. I was scheduled to have them at separate times but when I was getting my I.V. for the PET scan done the tech said they could coordinate both tests so I wouldn't have to come back in the afternoon. I was very appreciative of her efforts (atleast before I knew what was coming!). Just like my last PET scan I was left in a dimly lit, quiet room for about 45 minutes while the radiotracer circulated through my body. When my time was up another tech led me to the familiar room and I hopped up on the table, a little anxious to get things done and at the same time at ease because I knew what was to come (or so I thought). I knew things may be a little more complicated when they but a giant rubber band around my feet so the chance of my legs moving was reduced. Last time they trusted me not to move, this time, not so much. After a few minutes I knew why. With my legs banded together and my arms firmly at my sides they proceeded to maneuver my head into a hard plastic brace so that my chin was pointed high into the sky and my neck was extended. Ok. This was manageable, not comfortable, but manageable. With not much warning other than, "Don't move! We're going to place a mold over your face that will go from a liquid to solid state. Just relax.". Uh, what? Before I could ask a question that's exactly what they did. A piece of what appeared to be pantyhose/drywall form dipped in warm white silly putty was placed over my face, from the top of my head down past my chin. Manageable. The edges of this contraption were metal and were promptly clamped down on each side of my head, near my ears. Ummmm, manageable? They were kind enough to "pinch" the spots over each eyelid - this would come in handy for me about 15 minutes later. As they were giving me the final instructions on how important it was that I not move I felt a wave of panic and flung my arm out (wanting to test whether I could break free if necessary!) and proceeded to hit the male tech just close enough to his "family jewels" to make him scream, "Whoa! Hey now!". Sorry dude. You just bungeed my legs together, put a contraption over my face that I can't move and you're getting ready to leave the room so you can slide me into a tube. You're lucky I didn't have better aim! I knew I would need to relax if I was going to live. Seriously my heart rate was high and the test was just beginning. Click, click. Into the tube I went. I could open my eyes but couldn't see anything. Panic. I hear Whitney Houston singing, "OOHhhh I wanna dance with somebody...". I can relax to that. In and out of the tube I went all the while the contraption on my face is beginning to take shape. I have moments of panic and moments of bliss. More songs are played and just when I think I can't take anymore I hear the door open and the tech says, "Just 10 more minutes and I can take the mask off. You ok?". Dude, I can't talk. Remember? I let out a grunt. He interprets that as a "yes" and leaves the room. 10 minutes means 3 more songs. I can do this. I try to put myself to sleep. It doesn't work but I try. He finally comes in again (mind you this has been a good 30 minutes from when we started) and I am so relieved to feel him undoing the clamps. He says it is crucial that I not move because the scan is not over but that I can talk if I want. He lifts the mask off and without thinking or hesitation I say, "That is the shittiest thing ever!". He apologizes and leaves the room so the scan can be finished. When I got out to my car I realized I had my camera and snapped this picture trying to show how much pressure was on my face while the mold was setting. This is about 20 minutes after we are done.

I met with Dr. K2 yesterday to go over my bloodwork and PET scan. The results are good. The larger of the masses has shrunk down considerably and he feels that the remaining spots are mostly scar tissue. The results are consistent with what a post chemo Hodgkin's patient would have. He was pleased and so was I. I will be receiving 3 weeks of radiation at an average dose (24 for 5 minutes) and getting another PET scan the second week in October. In the meantime I will get my port flushed (I hate going in the chemo room but it's only for about 10 minutes) every 6 weeks and work on getting back into shape so that my lungs will heal up faster. After I see Dr. K2 in October I am hoping to get clearance to have surgery to remove my port. All around good news. I'm not completely in the clear yet but yesterday was a big day and I am relieved to be moving in the right direction.

My ears continue to bother me so I am trying over the counter medication and hoping they clear up fast although Dr. K2 says it may be a couple months. I also received the o.k. to have my teeth cleaned - I'm hoping this week! And in case you're wondering, the mask that was created will be worn by me every radiation treatment. I'm hoping now that it's in a solid state it won't be so bad. I'll let you know!

I am so thankful for the calls, texts and emails checking up on me. I am blessed beyond words. Please continue to pray that my body continues to heal. Please also pray for my friends and their families who continue to fight their own battles against this horrific disease. Thank you.

"I am not skilled to understand what God hath willed, what God hath planned. I only know at His right hand stands one who is my Savior." - Dorothy Greenwell 1873

Good News

I know some of you have been waiting to find out how my appointment with my oncologist went and I will write more tomorrow but in short, it was good news! The remaining spots have gone done in size that is consistant with post chemo Hodgkin's. I will be doing 3 weeks of radiation beginning the second week in August. I will fill you in on the PET scan, radiation simulation (yikes!) and today's appointment sometime tomorrow. For now, it's lights out! Thank you for the continued prayers, they are working.

Grateful For Today, Hopeful For Tomorrow

As the old Ice Cube song goes, "...today was a good day...". In fact, it was a great day. It was stocked full of nothing but goodness but I have this underlying current about what lies ahead. But first, let me share the goodness because these are the things I want to (and should!) focus on. Since I woke up this morning the following has occurred:

* A visit from some of my "favorite" clients. The wife is currently battling breast cancer and she took time out of her day to check on me! Love them!
* Another set of clients mailed me a very sweet, somewhat overwhelming gift and letter. I am blessed by their generosity.
* A visit with one of my "cancer angels". I so enjoy our talks and the laughs and encouragement we share.
* Not a single sour cherry in the handful I grabbed at lunch. Hey! Sometimes it's the little things :)
* Because of the AWESOME manager I work with I was nominated for and received the "Distinguished Professional" award at work today. How cool is that?!? I owe an entire post to Theresa and the rest of my office buddies and how they have helped me through this.
* A text from my sister. Just because.
* A note from my "oldest" friend, Allisa, with envelope artwork by her son, Jack. And the voicemail I received later in the day that had both of their voices and laughter.
* Listening to the excitement in my Goddaughter Blakely's voice as she shared she, "Go pee in potty!". Seriously kids melt my heart.

I know, I am blessed. I was thinking of all of these things as I drove home tonight and was overwhelmed. Yet, there was something else there and I was mad at myself for thinking about anything negative when I have so much goodness in my life. I'm learning (definitely a work in progress!) how to feel my emotions and not just bottle them up or dismiss them. So, in my madness I cried and laughed and punched my steering wheel and thoroughly freaked out the people in traffic around me, I'm sure of it! Being behind the wheel is probably not the best time to practice my new skills but whatever, I did and I lived and so did they. After my freak out session I came to the realization that I'm nervous for this weeks appointments and I'm tired of thinking about the next thing. I'm nervous about my PET scan tomorrow morning and the radiation simulator tomorrow afternoon and getting bloodwork done after that. And just for shits and giggles I'll throw in the port flush and results appointment on Friday. I don't want to think about another appointment. I can't wait to be done with all of this.

Thank you all so much for being my support system. Please pray for a clear scan tomorrow. I really am grateful for today and hopeful for tomorrow.

Moving On

Sorry for the little lull in posts but you know the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."? Well, I was sticking to it. I do not want to take away from the excitement of finishing my last chemo treatment last Tuesday because believe me, I'm excited to be done, but it was a rough one. Gabi kept me company and I was grateful for that. I had a good visit with Dr. K2 and his nurse practitioner and was willing to do almost anything to stall going into the chemo room! This included, but was not limited to, discussing weight, travel and determining whether or not I have bronchitis. Turns out they thought I have been, am, will be, whatever, fighting off a little bronchitis so I walked out with additional prescriptions and a reminder to sleep with a humidifier. This did not keep me from the chemo room. Dang!

Anyway, I went out with a bang for my last chemo. The poor nurse (and another who checked to be sure) was able to access my port but got no blood return. Because of the type of chemo I receive they have to have a good blood return before administering the drugs (they want to be sure the drugs are going into my bloodstream and being immediately diluted because of side effects). They thought it was due to a hematoma so I had two choices - have a drug administered for 30-60 minutes that would dissolve the hematoma or have the chemo administered through my hand. I chose the additional drug.

The side effects seemed to be a little harsher this time. I think part of it had to due with the additional medications I am on for the bronchitis. In addition to the "typical" hot flashes, full ears and nausea I noticed my hands, feet and mouth have been more sensitive. I can't wait for all of this to pass. It's getting better but I'm not quite there yet. Something else that I haven't really discussed but know is causing some of my sweet (read: rollercoaster) mood swings is temporary menopause. I haven't really discussed it because it's not one of my favorite topics but unfortunately I think it is here. I have mixed feelings (literally!) about this side effect. Part of me is excited not to have to deal with "Aunt Flo" each month and part of me is bummed to think about what the long term effects may be - infertility. Not that I was planning on going out and getting pregnant tomorrow but it seems weird to think about not really having the option. It's not a guarantee of infertility and most likely "Aunt Flo" will resume again in 6-9 months but it's kind of a dark thought. So honestly, I try not to go there!

The church that I have been attending has a cancer support group once a month and I was able to attend again last weekend. It is nice to have a group of people who are going through or have already gone through much of what I am. I get strength from their stories...men, women, husbands, wives, children, all fighting different types and stages of cancer. There's a peace and comfort knowing you're not alone.

My Dad flew down to spend this weekend with me and celebrate my last chemo treatment. I wasn't really feeling very good for much of his trip but I'm glad he came, I enjoyed his company. We had fun soaking up the sun (a near record 118 on Saturday) and splashing around the waterpark (if you know him, ask him about his waterslide experience). He definitely knows how to make me laugh and that's just what I needed.