Bumps in the Road

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"
- Rodney Atkins

The last two days have not been good ones. I could feel myself getting a bit overwhelmed with the anticipation of my appointment with my oncologist yesterday and what his words would mean in regards to my health. We were going to go over the results of the cat scan I had last Thursday. It was the halfway point in my original treatment plan and would be compared to the cat scan before I began treatment. It's crazy to me how you can have such extreme reactions to one statement. My cancerous area has shrunk by 80%.....80%!!!! Yes! It's working! That's great! But 80% also means no change in plans as far as number of chemo treatments I have to endure and at this point I will also be doing radiation for three weeks. After my 8th chemo treatment I will have a two week break then begin three straight weeks of radiation - five days a week, 5 minutes each time. I needed a calendar because I had a bad feeling about this timeframe. I was right. On that schedule I will be receiving my third week of radiation the week of Graeagle. For those of you that know me well Graeagle is my happy place. I will go so far as to say it's my favorite place on earth. My family has been making the trip to the cabins tucked in the northern Sierra mountains for 30+ years. I can't miss Graeagle. I am TRYING not to get bogged down by that thought but it's hard. That was supposed to be my finish line. My reward for this crap I'm pushing through. And I suppose it still can be if I can convince the doctors I only need a one week break between chemo and radiation. We'll see if that's even a possibility when I meet with the radiation oncologist. Maybe the fact that I had booked my tickets before I even knew I had cancer will help in the decision!

So, needless to say, yesterdays treatment was a bit of a bummer. I didn't want to be there. At all. Amidst my self pity there were a couple bright spots. For the first time since I started treatment Shirley was able to access my port on the very first try! Big props to Shirley! My chest was still bruised from accessing it last week for my cat scan so I was very happy it only took one jab. Shirley also shared with me that she had spoken with Dr. K2's nurse practitioner and she gave raving reviews of me as a patient. I think Shirley knew I needed to hear something like that. I did. It helped.

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but since this blog is an outlet for me I thought I should be honest and share the not so pretty stuff too. So there it is.